Horrible Employees
by Red Witch
Summary: Another afternoon at that paragon of professional excellence known as the Figgis Agency.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone out to get drunk. Mallory's a terrible boss, that's a given. And let's face it, Archer and the gang are…**

 **Horrible Employees **

"Place your bets bitches!" Pam whooped as she sat at a table in the break room. Playing cards and drinking with Ray, Krieger and Cheryl.

Pam was wearing a sunflower pattern bikini, smoking a cigar and dealing cards. "Nothing's wild except the dealer!"

"Ugh, why bother?" Cheryl grumbled as she sniffed some glue. "Ray wins everything!"

"Maybe if y'all weren't so high or drunk off your asses you'd actually pay attention and win a hand?" Ray chuckled as he smoked a regular cigarette. He had the largest pile of chips on the table.

"I only had three beers and scotch infused bear claw," Pam pointed out. "For me that's a light brunch. It's Krieger that can't hold his liquor."

"I beg to differ," Krieger sniffed. It would have been more effective if he wasn't wearing a bra on his head.

"Again why…?" Ray made a motion to the bra.

"I had a plan…" Krieger frowned. "I just can't remember it."

"Like I can't remember why I keep you idiots around in the **first place**!" Mallory snapped as she stormed in carrying her purse. "Drinking, smoking, gambling and glue sniffing! Just the qualities I've come to expect from you idiots. Which means you people have **no quality at all."**

"Hey we're getting a jump on the long weekend," Pam pointed out.

"It's only Tuesday," Mallory said.

"Extra-long weekend," Pam shrugged.

"Pam why are you in a bikini?" Mallory sighed. "Are you playing strip poker again?"

"Nope," Pam shook her head. "Plan on going up to the roof and getting a tan later. This just saves me an extra step."

"As always Pam," Mallory sighed. "You raise the bar for professionalism in the workplace."

"Well it's almost noon and you're just getting in," Pam pointed out.

"Reeking of scotch and gin," Ray added.

"Looking like you crawled out of the old whore bin," Cheryl added.

"I think I have good hand that will actually win!" Krieger added.

"You know that your tell is that big grin," Pam pointed out.

"ENOUGH!" Mallory shouted. "Who are you? The illegitimate offspring of Dr. Seuss?"

"So why are you so late on this date?" Cheryl spoke up. "Since being late is what you hate?"

"Because apparently Ron can't tell the difference between detergent and bleach," Mallory grumbled. "Not to mention he can't tell the difference between gentle cycle and regular in order to save his life. And if he ruins one more of my good blouses he may not have a choice…"

Mallory looked at the others. "Long story short, refrigerator repairmen are so unreliable and expensive it may be cheaper just to by a new washing machine altogether. Which means I need money. And the only way to get money is to do some damn work around here!"

" **What** work?" Ray snapped. "We haven't even had a single client yet! What is there to do?"

"How about going out and **looking** for clients for starters?" Mallory shouted. "You idiots need to go out and represent yourselves as the faces of our agency! And….And as soon as those words left my mouth I realized that's a **bad idea**."

"You know…?" Pam glared at Mallory.

"What was I **thinking**?" Mallory realized. "If people associate you idiots with this agency we'll never get any work! We might as well close down shop right now!"

"It's not **that** bad," Ray grumbled.

"Okay fine," Mallory took a breath. "Then you idiots can do what I've been doing. Going through your contact lists so that they would know…And again as soon as the words left my mouth…"

"Hey! I know people!" Krieger spoke up. "The Krieglins for example."

"Interesting definition of people," Mallory groaned.

"Well there are also my buddies down at the morgue," Krieger added. "Oh damn it. I forgot to send them a card to tell them I changed cities. That's really going to put a crimp in Risk night."

"I am not even going to ask what **you** consider friends Miss Gillette," Mallory clicked her tongue in distain. "But Cheryl don't you have any contacts?"

"I don't even wear glasses," Cheryl snorted. "So why would I…"

"Not contact lenses!" Mallory shouted. "Contacts! As in people you know!"

"Oh," Cheryl said. "I have those."

"Well?" Mallory asked.

"Well what?" Cheryl asked.

"Who do you know…?" Mallory asked resisting the urge to strangle Cheryl. Mostly because she knew Cheryl would be into that.

"Well I know you and Pam and…" Cheryl began.

"NOT THE PEOPLE IN THIS OFFICE!" Mallory shouted. "I'm talking about people in California you know! Friends! Family members! Schoolmates! ANYBODY!"

"Oh I don't have any of those," Cheryl waved. "I mean I have family and I know people but they're all douchebags. Can't stand any of them."

"Did you really think she'd say something **different?** " Ray gave Mallory a look.

"You know for a second there," Mallory admitted. "I actually did."

"At least it's not as bad here as it is in New York," Cheryl waved. "Every week some rich bitch or bastard would complain about something about my family. _Your ocelot killed my dog! Your company put my company out of business and I'm ruined! Where's my pension fund your father embezzled? Your great grandfather impregnated my great grandmother and I want money. I know you set fire to my gazebo!_ Blah, blah, blah…"

"The Tunt Family has made more enemies and started more feuds than the Borgias," Pam pointed out. "And probably have killed as many people."

"Okay Gillette…" Mallory sighed. "What do **you** have? Besides new and interesting ways to get venereal diseases?"

"Really?" Ray gave her a look. "You're going **there?"**

"Yeah I mean come on Ms. Archer…" Pam laughed along with the others.

"Last I heard they put together a new scientific task force to study and cure those mutated strains of the clap that originated with your son," Krieger pointed out.

"Really?" Ray asked.

"Yeah, I got an old buddy of mine on one of them," Krieger nodded. "Getting a butt load of federal grants to wipe out the Archers in our lifetime."

"Well if alcohol and liver failure can't do it…" Cheryl giggled as she sniffed some glue.

"Well my friends are…" Pam began.

"STOP!" Mallory shouted. "I don't want to know! Pam I don't want to **think** about what kind of people **you** have connections to!"

"Speaking of people with connections," Cyril walked in. "Have you seen your son Ms. Archer?"

"No, I was actually having a pleasant morning before I came in," Mallory sighed.

"I thought you were waiting for a repair man because Ron broke the washing machine?" Cheryl asked.

"I was," Mallory said. "Which should tell you something about my interactions with Sterling."

"We can hear some of your interactions with your son down the street," Ray remarked as he took a drink. "I'm amazed the police haven't been here yet on a domestic disturbance call."

"Speaking of which I haven't seen Lana here either," Krieger realized.

"Lana called in and said she had to take her daughter to some appointment," Cyril waved. "Booster shots or first visit with the dentist. Honestly I wasn't listening."

"Yeah right," Pam snorted. "How much you want to bet she and Archer are off banging somewhere?"

"It's not exactly outside the realm of possibility," Mallory admitted with a shudder.

"At least we came into work," Pam pointed out. "We didn't blow it off like Lana and Archer."

"You know what they say," Krieger said cheerfully. "Ninety percent of success is just showing up!"

"In your case it's more like ninety percent of failure is **you** showing up!" Mallory snapped. "And why are you wearing a bra on your head?"

"I don't remember," Krieger frowned.

"They just don't make Nazi clones like they used to," Mallory sighed.

"Ugh, so hot out…" Archer walked in wearing a black speedo. He went right to the refrigerator and opened it. "Oh great! Thanks for taking all the Glengoolie Gold Coolers dicks!"

"Archer?" Cyril blinked. "I thought you didn't come into work today?"

"No, I was on the roof getting a tan," Archer told them. "By the way, Lana's not coming in. She had to take AJ for some appointment. Doctors or dentists. Can't remember which. Wasn't paying attention."

"Wonderful father material Lana chose," Cyril rolled his eyes.

"The cherry on the ice cream sundae of stupidity," Mallory groaned. "What do you people think this place is?"

"Honestly I have no idea," Cheryl spoke up. "What are we doing again?"

"This is supposed to be a detective agency!" Mallory snapped. "So maybe one of you can go find some work ethic?"

"Hey! I've been working since I got here in my office!" Cyril shouted.

"On **what**?" Ray challenged.

"Stuff!" Cyril answered.

"You mean porn," Archer snorted.

"No I don't!" Cyril snapped. "I mean looking for contacts for the agency stuff."

"Since when do **you** have contacts?" Archer scoffed.

"I have **plenty**!" Cyril snapped. "My Warcraft and online Risk groups for example…"

"Oh great!" Mallory rolled her eyes. "So basically people who still live with their parents in the basement…"

"Most of them have their own apartments!" Cyril snapped. "Those that do live with their parents have their own rooms. Above ground!"

"I think I would have preferred you watching porn," Mallory groaned. "At least those people have their own income. And some dignity."

"Hey!" Cyril snapped. "You know…?"

"Well this is a fine thing to come into the office for!" Mallory snapped. "A gaggle of goofballs slacking off, jerking off or just being off…"

"I was working!" Cyril shouted.

"Is that what they call it now?" Archer quipped.

"The only thing you were working on was your tan and a bottle of scotch!" Cyril shouted.

"Tequila actually," Archer corrected.

"And that makes it better?" Cyril snapped.

"Well tequila is a more tropical drink so…" Archer began. "And I did put it in a few margaritas so…"

Mallory slapped Archer. "OW!"

"Listen up you idiots!" Mallory shouted. "This is not a country club! This is an actual workplace! Which means you need to work on something…other than my last nerve! So…"

She then heard a strange sound. "What the hell is that?"

"It sounds like tiny metal feet running…" Ray began when something silver ran past the break room. "What the…?"

"Uh oh…" Krieger gulped.

"Krieger what kind of insane monstrosity did you make in your lab **now?** " Mallory shouted.

"Technically I didn't make it in my lab **now,"** Krieger pointed out. "I made Teddly a while ago. He just arrived in Los Angeles last night."

"Teddly?" Ray did a double take. "Wait…You mean that robot bear that looks like a Terminator version of Teddy Ruxpin?"

"That was **real**?" Cheryl was stunned. "I thought it was one of my hallucinations?"

"Nope, nope, nope," Krieger nodded. "He must have snuck out of my lab somehow before the CIA could contain him. Good thing too. I need him for…some other projects I've been working on."

"Do I even want to know what you're doing in your lab?" Cyril sighed.

"Not really," Krieger said.

"Get that thing!" Mallory shouted.

"What you mean Teddly?" Krieger asked.

"YES!" Mallory shouted. "Before it escapes!"

"On it," Krieger said as he, Cyril and Ray ran after the escaped robot bear.

"Holy robot bear snacks!" Pam shot up. "I forgot I had more bear claws in my office!" She ran out.

"Oh for the love of…" Mallory groaned. She looked at her son. "Why are you just **standing** there?"

"Is that a rhetorical question?" Archer asked.

"No, it's a valid question considering I gave you an order!" Mallory snapped.

"Oh you were talking to me too?" Archer asked.

"Dear God give me strength…" Mallory gritted her teeth. "To **not** kill my idiot son! YES, STERLING I WAS TALKING TO YOU AS WELL!"

"Oh," Archer said. "So you do want me to go…"

"Sometime today would be good," Mallory said icily. "If you can fit it in your schedule."

"I should put on pants first," Archer realized.

"That would be nice," Mallory said sarcastically.

"And shoes," Archer realized.

"Practical," Mallory rolled her eyes. "A shirt wouldn't hurt either."

"But the sun tan lotion will get all over my shirt and make it greasy!" Archer protested.

"JUST GET DRESSED AND GET THAT STUPID TERMINATOR TEDDY BEAR BEFORE IT GETS AWAY!" Mallory screamed.

FOOOOOOM!

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Mallory shouted as she saw Cheryl had started a wastebasket fire.

"I started a fire!" Cheryl giggled.

"HOW DOES **THAT** HELP?" Mallory shouted.

"Who said anything about helping?" Cheryl blinked.

"Oh for Christ's sake Carol!" Archer groaned as he ran to get a fire extinguisher nearby. "See? It's just as well I didn't go."

"Neither does your car!" Ray was heard shouting. "That's how we caught Teddly! Dumb ass bear was trying to hotwire it!"

"God damn it Krieger!" Archer shouted as he put out the fire. "If that damn cyborg bear so much as scratches my paint job…"

"YOU'RE KILLING IT!" Cheryl whacked Archer hard on the back with her fists. "MURDERER! MURDERER!"

"AAAH!" Archer shouted as Cheryl jumped on his back. "CAROL! KNOCK IT OFF!"

As Archer fought off Cheryl, he lost control of the fire extinguisher. Some of the foam splattered onto Mallory.

"HA HA HA HA!" Cheryl had jumped off Archer and ran off.

"CAROL!" Archer shouted as he ran after her.

Mallory took another deep breath. "Maybe those morons sitting around doing nothing isn't such a **bad idea** after all?"


End file.
